Let’s talk a little bit about emotional eating.
I remember when I was told that I am an emotional
eater. It was during a counseling session, in the midst of an eating
disorder in high school that got me sent home from a trip to live abroad in
Spain. I will always be grateful that I was lucky enough to attend a high school progressive enough to let me
spend half a trimester home to get better during my senior year. We really need to see more policies like this across the nation. Being able to
focus on my health without having to deal with the additional pressures of
senior year was truly a gift.
I was telling my story to the counselor; telling her how I
would not eat, or eat next to nothing for days, living off of water and
caffeine, and would exercise for two hours. After a few days of this, I would
binge. I would eat until I felt sick and then I would feel guilty and horrible and start the process all over again.
I was never someone who ate loaves of bread or tubs of icing or sleeves of
cookies. I would eat huge portions of “regular” foods. Plates and plates at
dinner. I told her how this had been my
pattern for months, but that living in Spain with a Spanish family no longer
afforded me the luxury of two hour trips to the gym. Instead, I resorted to
sticking my finger down my throat. This worked, until my Spanish mother caught
me. Explaining that in Spanish was challenging, to say the least.
The counselor listened a little bit more and then pronounced “You are
an emotional eater.” She taught me how to identify what hunger felt like, to
ask myself, are you hungry or are you feeling something or are you trying not to feel something? So I learned how to do that
and I got better, and forgot all about that, thought I didn’t need it. On the
other hand, I also have a history of emotionally not eating, though I think I was always more aware of the emotional
connection in this regard.
Over the years though, I started to really get it, and I am
proud to say that now, if a random craving hits I can ask “What’s going on?
What is this about? Do you really want that or is there something else below
the surface?” If it’s something that I really do want, and sometimes I really
do just want some chocolate, or Mexican food, or whatever, then I have it and move on. I don’t need to mainline it
till I feel sick. Other times I will say, well, it was a particularly shitty
day at work, or I am feeling stressed out about x/y/z, and let the feelings
come and go. It used to be hard, a struggle not to give in, but now it’s just
freeing.
I think that for a lot of people, dealing with unpleasant
emotions is difficult and so sometimes they resort to other things, it might be
eating too much, drinking too much, smoking, being hateful to others, not
eating, etc.
I was recently reflecting on my past pregnancies and my
weight gain, and made some observations. With my first I think I gained so much
weight because it was the first time in my life that I felt I didn’t need to
worry about gaining weight, gaining weight was the point. So I went hog wild
(pun intended). With my second pregnancy, things were different. I knew that “eating
for two” was just a figure of speech, and knew that I didn’t want to gain as
much as I had previously. With my second pregnancy though, I dealt with some very
stressful personal situations throughout the pregnancy. My friends would talk
about how they would go home and have a glass of wine to unwind; I would go
home and eat.
I am trying to be extra mindful of my past history. Just the
other day, after a frustrating conversation, I noticed some Milk Duds in the
candy box on my supervisor’s desk. A part of me thought, oh, Milk Duds! But
that part was quickly silenced by the alarms in my head reminding me that this
was an emotional reaction, I didn’t really want the Milk Duds.
One of my
favorite ways to relieve stress over the past year has been getting red-faced
and sweaty, pushing myself to the limit in the gym and overall, eating is not
something I have to think twice about or analyze, but I am reminding myself to
be more aware of my feelings, especially since I have had to temper my efforts
in the gym.
I hope that this able to reach someone who needs it, so that
they know that it’s hard but doable, and that they are not alone.
