New Blog!

Hey Ya'll! Welcome to my new blog! 

So, what is the point of this blog?  This will be a lifestyle blog with a primary focus on health and fitness. I am hoping to continue to learn and grow, and share my journey with those who read it. If I can reach even one person and inspire, motivate, or empower them, then I will consider this a success, but first, a little background information...

I remember the first time I felt ashamed of my body. I was in fifth grade, in public school for the first time. I had transferred late in the year, a casualty of the messy divorce between my parents, and the class was preparing for a beach trip, this was Hawaii, afterall. I remember feeling fat, embarrassed, panicked, dreading wearing the neon, color-blocked one-piece my mother had picked out for me. I look at pictures of myself from then and I see that I was not fat, not even chubby really, just soft and pre-pubescent. 

I remember in seventh grade skipping meals and measuring my waist after a boy had teased me, calling out “1-800-99 Jenny!”, a popular ditty from a Jenny Craig ad in 1999. Again, I look at pictures and see that I was not fat, not chubby, but thin. The stories go on and on, year after year my weight would swing one way and then another. Junior year of high school I went abroad to Spain and was sent home on Medical Leave, my life totally consumed by a full fledged eating disorder. Recovery. Then back to patterns of disordered eating after my mom died. 

What does it feel like? It feels like panic, like drowning, like you are desperately reaching for the side of the pool but it is always just out of reach. There is never perfection, always another trouble spot to tone or work out, or another person thinner than you to compare yourself to. There is guilt, shame, and lots of pretending: Oh, I’m  a vegetarian. Oh, dairy upsets my stomach. ( I don't eat gluten now but this is truly a medical issue.) Oh, I ate a big meal earlier. There is avoiding photographs and touch at heavier times, ashamed of what the camera will reflect back and the softness hands will discover. 

All of that changed when I met my husband. When we met I was at an in-between phase, average, normal. When I checked in to the hospital to deliver my first child, I weighed an astounding 248 pounds. At 5’3 I weighed more than my 6’3 husband. And yet he loved me just as much. It seemed that it was possible to be loved and fat afterall. This realization, coupled with the birth of my son, lit a fire in me, a desire for health and homeostasis. 

I lost 108 pounds over two years. I fought hard for every pound, every inch. I was proud of the body I had earned, determined that I would be healthy and strong so that I could be around for my family. Reflecting back though, I can honestly say that I still had an unhealthy relationship with food and body image. I was so hard on myself.

My body changed again with the pregnancy of my son Archer. He clocked in at nearly eleven pounds when he was born, and I was left with wider hips, a soft stomach, and another c-section incision. But this time things were different. 

While I was pregnant with Archer, a woman I deeply respect (KT Carroll) shared her journey to the stage as a bikini competitor. She also liked the page of IFBB Bikini Pro Shelsea Sanchez on Facebook. These women were so positive, supportive of others, and energetic. I was hooked. I was intrigued. I had to know more. 

Since Archer’s birth in August, I have committed to health and fitness. What this has boiled down to, for me, is self-love.  For me, self love means nourishment and self-care, realistic expectations, not judging the bodies of myself and/or others, and trusting the process. Now, that’s not to say that some days I don’t get frustrated, or that some days I don’t eat three chocolate chip cookies in a row, because I definitely have days like that. But now, instead of thinking that I have to “punish” myself with exercise and extreme calorie restricting, I just get back on track and keep going forward. Some days it is easier than others, but I have been amazed at how welcoming and supportive the fitness community at large is, and I have also had the unwavering support of my husband, who has committed to this lifestyle as well.  In fact, I have recently enrolled in the NASM Certified Personal Trainer course, and plan to make this way of life my way of making a living. 

I would love for you to join me on this adventure.

Be fierce,ya'll!

xx, 

Amanda